Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Tommy's Take on: TNA Impact 1/4/10

And now...TNA!  I don't like Hogan, but I'm morbidly curious about this.  Hopefully, Bischoff at least will increase the production values.  Anyway...I haven't watched TNA in months, and I apparently lost about 7 minutes of this thanks to my son.  So, here goes.

- TNA Wrestling...Cross the Line!

- Video package from the first TNA show.  Oh, moving up through other stuff...Sting, Angle, so forth...Hogan is here.  Yay.

- We will be LIVE in Orlando, Florida.

- "Time For A Change".  Poor Owen Hart.

- I dislike so many TNA guys, its almost funny.

- We are in the Impact Zone!  Russ won't even stand in line for this and he's RIGHT THERE.

- Tazz and Tenay...somone has a Hogan wrestling buddy.  Are all those Hogan shirts legit?

- Steel Asylum Matchh for the X Division title, Amazing Red defending.

- ODB challenges Tara for the Knockout Title.

- Rhino vs Abyss in a Barbed Wire Massacre.

- Fully Metal Mayhem: Beer Money vs British Invasion.

- Good thing TNA hasn't learned their lesson about wasting gimmick matches.

- Oh, dear God...Bubba the Love Sponge is a new "broadcast partner".  Way to make me beg for the Nasty Boys instead.

- Fast forward time.

Steel Asylum Match for the X Division Title
CHRIS SABIN vs ALEX SHELLEY vs HOMICIDE vs KYOSHI vs JAY LETHAL vs CONSEQUENCES CREED vs SUICIDE vs AMAZING RED(c)

-  Tenay trying to give a little intro to the X Divison and the wrestlers as they come out.  Good idea.  Three teams (Motor City Machine Guns, World Elite and Lethal Consquences) versus two singles guys.  Tazz putting over Red who, I am led to understand, has been largely absent for a while.  Tenay is talking about Mick Foley being barred from the Impact Zone.  This is a cage with a dome.  Winner is the guy that escapes through a hole in the top.  Big chaos at the beginning.  Hard to follow the action through the bbig red bars.  Half the guys are on the cage while half are in the ring.  Suicide hits his finisher on Red, but Machismo takes him out.  Guys taking turns hitting big moves in the middle of the ring.  Suicide is climbing...is Suicide still Kazarian?  Nice.  Suicide hiptosses Red off the ropes onto Sabin, but Red hits a hurracanrana.  Homicide is killing people with a baton?  Including Kiyoshi?  Wait...did they just call for the bell?

Winner: No Contest...in a CAGE MATCH.

- Nice...opening match on TNA's first Monday show?  A no contest after Homicide uses a weapon in a CAGE.  The crowd is chanting "This is Bullshit", which Spike TV is bleeping...and Homicide is taking FOREVER to climb through the hall.  What an awful, awful way to start the show.  Awesome...Homicide can't climb out.  Oh...that MAY have been intentional.  Wait...what the hell?  Did everyone recover from the BATON attack?  And now...dear lord...JEFF HARDY.  Hardy is in the crowd...wow.  Homicide is attacking him.  So...Jeff went from WWE main eventer to TNA X Divisioner?  Twist of Fate on the ramp.  Did TNA sign him to a contract?  Or is he working per appearance?  Hardy is climbing the cage..and sitting on it.

- What a cluster.  I would imagine that Jeff's getting cut out of the WWE promo video as well?

- Jeff's backstage with Shannon Moore, who TNA doesn't even name on camera.

- Dear lord.  Hogan has a motorcade.  You're f-ing kidding me.

- Kevin Nash and Christy Hemme backstage.  Hemme rubbing on him...nice.  Nash is awfully subdued.  Nash calls it an "epic night" for TNA.  Allow me to call the opening match an EPIC FAIL.  Nash is putting Hogan over hard.  Hemme is feigning excitement.  Not a classic promo here.  Oh no...Hogan is coming and he's "not alone".

- Up next, Tara vs ODB.

TNA Knockouts Championship
ODB vs Tara(c)

- ODB is making me somewhat ill.  I do like Tara, though.  Who's the face here?  Tara still has the spider.  ODB attacks before the bell, and is drinking in the ring.  That would get her license taken away in Oklahoma.  Tara with a kick to the boobs.  Nice clothesline.  I am glad Tara's getting something to do before her career is done.  She's still attractive, and can still go as well as she ever could.  Nice enzuigiri.  Sweet standing moonsault.  Tarantula!  Awesome!  Is ODB selling, or holding a boob in?  ODB runs Tara into the corner...TKO blocked...WIDOW'S PEAK...roll up!  Asscrack!  Spike TV goes to a blank arena shot!  ODB wins!

Winner and NEW TNA Knockouts Champion: ODB with schoolgirl, holding the tights.

- So...Tara's second reign is incredibly short.  TNA is killing her.  And nice cutaway, Spike TV.  Tara with a WIDOW'S PEAK after the match, and she places the tarantuala on ODB.  Tara's celebration is cut short as...Ric Flair shows up?!??!  I am genuinely shocked.

-  I watched Flair's farewell send-off the other night...I think its kinda crappy that he's had to whore himself out after that.  Undertaker even broke KAYFABE.  Ugh.  Well, that was a genuine surprise...Flair's here with Bischoff and Russo...weird.

- tNa sign done in nWo style.

- Video footage of Foley not being allowed in while Hemme is interviewing fans.  Did Hemme ask the fan, on camera, twice?  Hemme is informing us that Foley is barred due to a "memo".  I watched Cactus Jack vs Sting from Beach Blast '92 the other night.  I kinda don't want to see Foley or Sting in a ring again after that.  It's just sad.

- "The Boss" Bobby Lashley...annd not dressed to wrestle.  Good god...that means he's going to talk.  Has Lashley gotten any better on the mic?  Because in WWE he absolutely sucked.

- So...is Kristal Lashley doing a Michelle Obama gimmick?  Impact Zone loves Lashley, but they are sheep.  Nice...Kristal is talking for him...and I think she's turning him heel tonight.  Yes...yes, she is.  Hm.  This may be the best thing on the show so far.

- !  Lashley's asked for his release from his TNA contract!  Lashley is so bad...he doesn't even have decent facial expressions.

- VELVET~!  SKY~!  Leading the camera man into a locker room...Lacey and Madison Rayne...strip poker?  "Live, without a not?"  "Who's Annette?" "Is she hot?"  I take that back, this is better than the Lashley segment.  Nice!  Madison counted to 18!  YEP.  STRIP POKER.

- Wow.

- Mel Gibson remaking Ransom?  Kinda?  Edge of Darkness looks cool.

- The motorcade.  I think that means I'm losing part of Hogan's promo in the 7 minutes.  That works.

- Dear lord.  Hall and Waltman outside the Impact Zone.  HA!  They can't get in!  They're attacking security?

- Jeff Hardy, Ric Flair, Shannon Moore, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman?  NICE TALENT ACQUISITIONS.

- Motorcade is rounding the corner...no, a few blocks away.

- That whole segment is the motorcade, Hall and Waltman?

- Here it is...TNA is teasing a mystery limo.  Sting?

- Oh lord...Hall and Waltman have crashed TNA.  Remember when they both flaked out on TNA?

- ...seriously?  ANOTHER segment that was motorcade and Hall and Waltman?  Dear lord.

- More Hall and Waltman...or not.  ANOTHER commercial break.

- Is anything going to HAPPEN this time?

- "nWo music" knockoff brings out Hogan...who is in Hollywood Hogan colors, complete with beard.  Hm.  All those guys in red and yellow look silly.  The entrance video is in red and yellow.  Hogan not really acknowledging Hall.  Hogan not actually slapping any hands.  Brooke and Nick Hogan in the crowd.  Cue joke about Hogan having to paper his own audience at a free show.

- Wait...he's been in the back all day long?  Then what was with the motorcade?  I'm confused.  NASH was in the back and said Hogan was "on his way"...but he was already THERE.  Hm.

- Hall and Waltman jumping the rail...security backing them off.  Now Hogan acknowledges them.  Uh oh. Hogan's bringing them in.  Nice of Hall to dye his hair for TV.  Nice of Waltman to keep his clothes on.  Hall does look better than the last few times I saw him.  That's good.

- Does anyone give a flip about this?  At least Sting tried to reinvent himself in TNA.

- Hall is forgetting that he used to be in TNA, apparently.  Hogan's shutting down "the party".  Awww.

- Is Waltman high?  Apparently Hogan's not wanting to relive the nWo, except for the nWo knockoff music and the bad beard.

- TEEHEE.  Hogan preaching about "growing up".

- Uh oh...Hall threatening Hogan...and here comes Nash.  TNA is CUTTING EDGE.

- Hey, doesn't TNA have a heavyweight champion?  AJ...something?  He's being treated like Sheamus tonight.  Thank God Nash is here to save this segment.  Too bad this is WCW...with all the guys I didn't like.

- Hall wants to fight, apparently.

- You're f-ing kidding me.  Bischoff is on air now too?

- And that's where my recording died.  I'll be jumping ahead in time seven minutes.

- To recap.  It is 2010, and both TNA and WWE are rehashing history from 12 years ago, while ignoring their respective champions, guys who weren't on the map twelve years ago.

- And I return in the middle of a commercial break.  Wonder if Tenay and Tazz will be showing us "how it ended".

- Oh...dear God.  nWo in the ring and Sting in the rafters.  This IS WCW all over again, except everyone is old.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Match
AWESOME KONG & HAMADA vs TAYLOR WILDE & SARITA(c)

- This could be good.  King and Hamada are not pretty...though Hamada has cleaned up a but since the last time I saw her.  Wilde and Sarita are in matching outfits.  Good times.  I approve.  Has there been any mention of AJ Styles at all tonight?  I spoke too soon...AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle for the TNA World Title was just announced.  Sarita vs Hamada to start.  If Hamada wore facepaint, I think she would look like Onryo.  Woops...Sarita slipped off that DDT.  Taylor Wilde with a nice flying armdrag off the top rope.  YOU'RE F-ING KIDDING ME.  The Motor City Machine Guns have been laid out in the back...nWo?  SIGH.  Meanwhile, Kong is killing the tag champs.  Kong refusing to sell dropkicks from Wilde.  Double dropkicks get her!  Double dives to the floor on Kong and Hamada!  Off to commercials.

- I just realized that Kong and Hamada are color coordinated.  I approve.  Hamada's kinda good.  Wilde is babyface in peril, unable to get to Sarita.  Hamada is teasing the tag for Sarita and Wilde.  Kong beating Wilde down.  Flip over on a powerbomb and a code breaker!  Sarita is in with a springboard dropkick!  Sterero frankensteiners!  Wait!  Kong with a powerbomb...no, sunset flip by Sarita...butt crush by Kong!  Nice.  Backfist by Kong.  Wilde eats ringpost!  AWESOME BOMB...DROPKICK!  NEW CHAMPIONS!

Winners and NEW TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: AWESOME KONG & HAMADA via pinfall on Sarita after POWERBOMB DROPKICK!

- That was the best part of the show so far.  A well worked tag match by the knockouts.  Wilde is still selling the KO from the post.

- Beautiful People in bras!  Oh...god.  Val Venis is here, in towel...but TNA doesn't have a name for him.  SIGH.  Velvet Sky is shutting him down...oh no...he's in the game.  You're freaking kidding me.  Here I was hoping for an Angelina Love interruption.  Sky peeks under Venis' towel.

- I was right...TNA is more interesting...in a train wreck kind of way.

- Ya know, at least Venis can talk.  And, last time I saw him, he was decent in the ring.  Not the worst pick up.

- Foley's still shut out of building.  Isn't that the old Main Event Mafia security?

-- Dear...God...the Nasty Boys?  I haven't seen Sags in YEARS.  Knobbs is still bloated.

- RAVEN!  RICHARDS!  DAFFNEY!  YES!  Tag match?

RAVEN & DR. STEVIE w/DAFFNEY vs MATT MORGAN & HERNANDEZ

- Apparently the winning team gets a tag title shot.  Daffney is in a gothic nurse outfit.  Raven and Hernandez to start.  Stevie is all over Morgan.  Crap...CARBON FOOTPRINT.  Raven and Richards just got squashed.  F-U, TNA.

Winners: MATT MORGAN & HERNANDEZ via pinfall on RICHARDS after CARBON FOOTPRINT.

- D'Angelo Dinero taking on Desmond Wolfe tonight, apparently.  Dinero annoys me already.  He needs to talk less.

- ...Orlando Jordan is here now, too?  The Hell?  Dinero is incredulous that Jordan is even here.  Wow.  Interesting segment.  NICE.  "Whoopi Goldberg look alike".

- Seriously?  ORLANDO JORDAN?

DESMOND WOLFE vs D'ANGELO DINERO

- Wolfe has the most generic look possible.  Seriously.  I nearly fell asleep as he walked to the ring.  Nice...money falling from the roof.  Seriously...Wolfe looks like a jobber.  Chain wrestling to start.  First time I've seen that tonight.  Nice hand stomp by Wolfe.  Dinero with a big clothesline.  Oooh...Hammerlock DDT?  Wolfe's killing the shoulder/arm.  Okay, I'm impressed.  He blocked a sunset flip by working the arm.  That's "psychology".  Dinero with some NICE hand time off the top rope...too bad he stopped selling arm to do it.  TOWER OF LONDON blocked...small package!  Dinero wins!

Winner: D'ANGELO DINERO via pinfall with a small package.

- Jeff Jarrett!

- That was a pretty good little match.  Although Wolfe has now gone from near draws with Angle to losing in minutes to Dinero.  He looks bland as hell, but the psychology (on Wolfe's part, at least) was great.

- Now Rhyno is laid out?

- Dear God...Bubba the Love Sponge AGAIN.  YUCK.

- Over and hour and a half in, and we haven't seen TNA Champion AJ Styles.

- Recap of the nWo reunion.  Where's Goldberg?  Can we get Goldberg here?  Was that Nash's contract torn up?

- Jarrett is WALKING.  To the ring.  Still.

- Who's the guy with the belt?  OH.  AJ Styles.  Backstage.  Not...you know...wrestling.  Bischoff interrupting?  Hm.  Styles looks unimpressed.  Apparently Bischoff forgot AJ worked for WCW.  Uh oh.  Bischoff is screwing with the Angle-AJ match?  AJ-Angle tonight?  Nice...Bischoff just called AJ "kid".  He's THIRTY FIVE.

- Jarrett!

- Where's Samoa Joe and Daniels?

- Wonder how Jarrett's feeling right now?  Dixie Carter in the crowd looking miffed.  Jarrett talking about founding the company.  "Thank you, Jeff" chant.  Jarrett talking about all the guys he gave shots to: Beer Money, Shelly and Sabin, Daniels, Joe and AJ.  Hm.  Jarrett promises that "you ain't seen nuthin' yet."

- Hogan on the screen?  Heeling out on Jarrett?  Crowd is turning on him.  Saying Jarrett ran TNA into the ground.  Hm.  Crowd with a "Bullshit" chant.  WCW reference with "You got no stroke."  Hmmm...interesting angle for Jarrett.  Can he "hang with the young guys?".

- Daniels backstage with Hemme.  What happened to his eye brows?  Nice...Daniels gets shut down seconds in so Borash and Foley can take over the segment.  What about the "young guys" getting a shot again?

- Oh lord...Moore and Hardy backstage.  Ugh.

Barbed Wire Massacre
ABYSS vs ?????

- Wait...is this not a barbed wire massacre?  Okay...Samoa Joe!  Without the penis on his face!  Interesting.  Joe with a sucker punch!  Joe pummels Abyss!  Big enzuigiri!  Joe setting up the facewash.  Abyss with a boot!  Joe bails!  Chair shot misses!  Abyss taking the upper hand.  Boot to the face by Joe.  Inverted atomic drop and yakuza!  Senton!  Abyss kicks out.  Hmmm...Sting is backstage somewhere.  Abyss with a corner clothesline!  Abyss charges...into an elbow!  Joe off the ropes with a kick!  Kickout!  Joe's tryingh to shoe off.  Standing kick to the head!  Joe goes up again...chokeslam by Abyss!  Kickout by Joe!  Joe is bailing.  Joe's getting the chair...chairshot!  Kokina Clutch!  Abyss is fighting!  Tapout!

Winner: SAMOA JOE via submission. (KOKINA CLUTCH)

- Pretty good.

- Bischoff complaining that the match went too long?  Kristal interrupts, wanting Lashley's release.  Demanding a meeting with Hogan.

- SIGH.  Now BEER MONEY is laid out.  Nasty Boys vs British Invasion, maybe?  Where's Eric Young?  He still works here, right?

- Oh...Nasty Boys still can't get in.  Bubba the Jack Nut is trying to get them in.  Dear...God.

- Kurt Angle and Jeremy Borash backstage.  Not a fan of Angle, really...hope AJ goes over, without shenanigans.  At least he doesn't have the silly mouthpiece right now.

- AJ-Mania sign.  Nice.

- Oh, lord...Moore and Hardy...getting mobbed by teenage girls.  Rob Van Dam was smart to stay home...with twenty other guys debuting in one night.

- Oh...crap.  Taking over the Team 3D locker room.  Team 3D vs Nasty Boys?  Oh dear lord.  This show is a huge trainwreck.

- The main event...with forty minutes left?  Really? Is this going to be a broadway, or is the "main event" all about Sting, Flair, Hogan and the nWo?

TNA World Title Match
KURT ANGLE vs AJ STYLES(c)

- What happened to the British Invasion wrestling?  With the way they're hyping this, if they don't deliver, they deserve death.  Chain wrestling at the beginning.  AJ stops Angle with a dropkick.  NICE.  AJ is looking GREAT.  Flip dive to the floor on Angle!  Oh God...AJ is attacked.  TNA bait and switch on the main?  Masked guy attacks AJ...but Angle runs him off and the match is continuing?  Wait...so...a guy uses a weapon in a CAGE match and the match stops...a guys runs in a regular match, but it continues?  Angle takes control with a corner powerbomb as we head to commercials.

- Back with a huge suplex...and another break?  REALLY??

- Wow.  Alright, back again with a PPV quality match, or something.  Holy crap!  AJ with a DVD neckbreaker...or something?  Springboard...into a suplex!  Angle takes over!  Angle Slam?  No...AJ with a clothesline!  STYLES CLASH blocked.  Rolling Germans.  Three of 'em on AJ.  Setting him up...AJ slips out of an Angle Slam, AJ goes for the Pele...Ankle Lock!  Roll up by AJ!  Pele hits!  Two count!  Styles Clash?  Back drop.  Angle slam!  Only gets two!  This IS better than any match on Raw...springboard forearm!  Going up...crap.  Angle with his stupid pop up into a superplex.  Angle going up?  Splash misses!  Styles Clash!  Kickout!  If Angle wins now, Styles looks bad.  This is turning into a standard Angle match.  Both men up...superplex?  Angle fighting...splash!  Kickout!  Angle sizing him up...Angle slam countered with a DDT!  Kickout again.  Series of reversals, turning into an ankle lock...German suplex! They ARE pushing the time a little more than I thought.  Asai reverse DDT!  Kickout...sigh.  Angle took my "grabbing the ref's hand" spot!  BOO.  AJ up, Angle cuts him off...they're brawling...both men up...super Angle Slam!  AJ KICKS OUT!  This is kinda getting ridiculous now.  Ankle lock...Angle sent into the buckles!  Enzuigiri!  STYLES CLASH!  ANOTHER kickout?  Take it home!  Take it home!  Angle counters another Styles Clash with the Ankle lock!  And now Flair comes out?  AJ fights out...Angle hits the post!  Back suplex!  Springboard 450!  Angle kicks out AGAIN?  Okay, seriously...I got burnt out after that last Styles Clash.

- Back from a break...another set of the same reversals.  Flair walks away...Styles Clash but AJ can't cover.  Going back up...Springboard 450...AJ wins!  Nice!

Winner and STILL TNA World Champion: AJ Styles via pinfall (Springboard 450)

- Nice match...went on too long.  Angle shakes AJ's hand.  Here comes Hogan...for the heel turn?  Oh, no...to put AJ and Angle over.  Nice.  Hogan's being interrupted...Foley is here...barging in on the Strip Poker game!

- Foley's gonna kill Venis?  Foley is face to face with Bischoff!  So...Hogan and Bischoff are Good Cop/Bad Cop?  The nWo are attacking Foley!  Nice to see its a BRAND NEW DAY.  Hogan walks in...but TNA goes off with air with an nWo CLIFFHANGER.

- Wow.  That was a complete trainwreck.  That was, basically, what people feared would happen...an nWo reunion, a ton of "old guys" showing up...and nothing now until next Thursday.  WWE wasn't a super special show, but a solid, low key one setting up material for the next few months...this thing was one, giant cluster.  The worst part is that the one reason I tuned in...the anticipated Beautiful People reunion...never happened.