Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Tommy's Take on: TNA Impact 3/8/10

- TNA...FEEL THE TRAINWRECK.

- Tonight, RVD, Sting and Jeff Hardy are supposed to be in the house, as well as Hogan and Abyss vs Flair and AJ Styles.

- Hogan and Bischoff took over TNA with fanfare back on January 4th, but as of last Thursday, they had dropped back to pre-Hogan ratings levels.

- New opening, focusing on some of the younger stars...well that's cool.

- The first five minutes are supposed to be SUPER eventful, and my friends have already been talking about the opening.

- Dixie Carter gets face time.

- Hogan and Abyss vs Flair and AJ is going to start?

HULK HOGAN & ABYSS vs RIC FLAIR & AJ STYLES

- Abyss heel turn in the first five minutes?  Abyss has a red and yellow Anarchy "A" on his shirt.  Nice.  Brooke Hogan in the audience again.  Hogan has the mic.  I just noticed that Hogan's in red and yellow for the first time since returning...=P.  Was that Desmond Wolfe in the crowd?  Oh...he just looks like a fan.  Nevermind.  Hm.  I'm showing that I'm 4 minutes in already.  This is such a "not hot" opening.  Good God Hogan is rambling.  Here's AJ's music.  Both in robes.  This is surreal.  CURTAIN JERKERS.  Oh.  Abyss and AJ to start.  AJ ducks Abyss and goes on the attack, but Abyss overpowers him.  Up in the air and down!  Flair is in!  Tie up and Flair chops Abyss...to no avail!  Abyss lacces into Flair!  Backdrop!  Low blow!  AJ wraps the robe around Abyss' head and beats on him!  Pele on Hogan!  The faces are just getting beaten down!  Wow.  The lights are out!  STING!!!  CRAP.  Heel turn by Sting?  CRAP.  Yeah...he lays into Abyss and Hogan.  Crap.  Flair and AJ bail.  No, here they come.  Bat shot to Abyss, chair shot by AJ.  Chair to Hogan by Flair.  Crap.  Please tell me this somehow makes sense.  Sting's turned heel twice and it didn't work.  Sting's walking away while Flair and AJ kill Hogan and Abyss.  Security breaks them up.  That then begs the question...was Sting in cahoots with them?

NO CONTEST

- Hogan is on the mic...apparently Hogan says they're gonna "finish this" before the night is over, in a no DQ match.  Flair keeps "changing the rules", Hogan will keep "changing the game".

- Ugh.  What is with the need to keep trying to get Sting to work as a heel?

- Recap of the Sting attack.

- Sting is walking backstage.  Do they not have an interviewer?  Dixie Carter gets in Sting's face and he shoves her against the wall.  "I owe you nothing!"...hm?

- Borash is backstage with Flair and AJ.  Flair looks very thoughtful.  Flair has been awesome on the mic since coming back.

- Abyss is screaming "Why, Sting, why?!"...and looking very cheesy doing so.  Sting jobbing to Abyss at Destination X?

- When the Hell IS Destination X?

- Seriously?  Brooke Hogan is getting camera time tonight to act badly?

- KAZARIAN is in the ring.  Suicide should attack him.  Apparently, he's gonna resurrect the X Division.  Good luck with that.  He looks kinda like Gerard Butler from Phantom of the Opera.

- Daniels interrupts, apparently HE wants to be the lead X Division guy.  Daniels has his first name back!  How many "historic nights" does TNA have?  "I Am X".  Alright.

- Doug Williams is here, calling them both geezers.  I'm shocked that they are getting character development.  Huge "USA" chant.  Three way match for the PPV?  Daniels disrespects Kazarian.  Calls Daniels a selfish prick.  Here comes Bischoff.

- Bischoff claims that he likes the X Division.  HA!  Kazarian's getting his title match TONIGHT.  In a triple threat!  Another lame duck title change?

X Division Title Match
DANIELS VS KAZARIAN VS DOUG WILLIAMS

- 985 million spots with no meaning or psychology.  This is your X Division.  Kazarian rolls up Williams and hits a Northern Lights Suplex on Daniels.  Apparently Generation Me and the Motor City Machine Guns will face off in the Ultimate X.  Big suicide dive by Kazarian.  Daniels hits a post and Kazarian kicks the leg out from under Williams, but misses a leg drop and gets a running knee.  Dixie Carter has a huge announcement concerning Sting, apparently.  Jawbreaker by Kazarian. STO by Daniels and a flip in elbow. DVD by Daniels.  God I hate watching Daniels wrestle.  And watching X Division matches.  One thing I CAN say, its not like TNA's not giving this time to develop, even if I don't care.  I think Kazarian just did a move for move Carlito sequence.  Williiams finally ends it with the Chaos Theory.

Winner: DOUG WILLIAMS via pinfall (Chaos Theory on Daniels)

- Oh crap.  Shannon Moore.  Like anyone cares.

- Oh crap.  Shannon Moore vs Doug Williams at Destination X?  Shannon Moore?  SERIOUSLY?

- Huge announcement concerning Sting.  Dixie Carter is acting badly.  Sting's wrestling tonight...against a mystery opponent?  NEVER LET DIXIE TALK AGAIN.

- The Beautiful People are backstage.

TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles
TAYLOR WILDE & SARITA vs THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/LACEY VON ERICH) vs TARA & ANGELINA LOVE

- Really?  We gotta have the Knockouts Champion in this? Wilde and Sarita go after Love and Tara right off.  Sarirta with a stunner off the ropes on Tara, but Sky gets a blind tag. They isolate Tara in their corner.  Love is trying to get in as Sky and Rayne double team Tara.  "She's not legal", referring to Angelina.  That's kinda funny, as that's the reason she didn't get to continue in the original tournament.  DAFFNEY~! attacks Tara!!  The Beautiful People win!

Winners and NEW Knockouts Tag Team Champions: The Beautiful People via pinfall on Tara (Belt shot from Daffney)

- Daffney, Sky and Tara on my TV all at once equals awesome.

- Pope is backstage...Wolfe attacks!!  He's destroying the ankle of The Pope with a chain!!

- Sting is WALKING.

- Taz gives it away by asking what Tenay was doing at 420 this afternoon.

- So Sting is coming back to job to RVD, or RVD is debuting to job to Sting?  I know that this was a dream match for...one or the other.  I honestly don't remember which one wanted to wrestle the other.

- The Beautiful People are celebrating backstage!  Borash is trying to booze up The Beautiful People.  Sky has bubbly going everywhere. Nice.

- Another Sting beatdown recap.

- Tenay and Tazz are utterly disgusted.

STING vs RVD...I mean, A MYSTERY OPPONENT.

- Audience members are still bowing to Sting.  Is he gonna talk?  Or is RVD just gonna come out.  Ha! He howls and the crowd pops.  THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TURN STING HEEL.  You know what would have been cooler?   If Sting hadn't come back.  Sting's refusing to drop the bat.  The crowd is already chanting "RVD".  And so it is.  Out of the crowd!  Kick off the ropes from behind.  Rolling Thunder.  RVD squashes Srting.  Awesome?

Winner: RVD via pinfall (Rolling Thunder)

- Sting with the bat !!  He's killing RVD!!  I mean he's destroying Van Dam!  Clothesline with the bat!  Sting shoves the ref...and he's going back for more!  Blocks a punch and bat shot!  Again!  Across the back!  Crowd finally gets a "You suck" going.  He's tearing through referees now.  Two refs down!  He's going back agter RVD!  Nails him again!  nWo music!  Oh, I mean Hogan music.  And...Bubba?  Sting smirks at Hogan.  Sting says "let him go"!  He hits RVD AGAIN.  AGAIN.  Sting is taunting Hogan and RVD gets up...and gets nailed!  Hogan gets nailed!  What the Hell is this?  He's chasing Hogan!  Going through security!  He nails Hogan!  KILL BUBBA!!!

- Tenay and Taz are telling me I'm supposed to be disgusted, but I kinda hate Hogan and RVD, so really, I think this is awesome.  Sting hasn't looked this awesome since...what...'97?

- Weird cut to Bischoff.

- Here comes Kevin Nash and Eric Young...aren't we due for a commercial soon?

- Nash steps over the top rope!   THE QUAD HOLDS!

- I see Nash is rocking the hair dye a little bit.  Apparently Eric Young gets to carry Nash, Hall and Waltman.  Good luck, dude.  Nash calls them out to accept the challenge.  Here comes the commercials.

- They are heading to the ring!

- They're sure burning time.

- Security has stopped selling the bat shots.  Fire those guys.  Hall with the "Hey Yo".  Awww...Nash is "Big Sellout".  Hall implies that Sting's beatdown of Hogan might mean Hogan's not in charge.  Hall's got some nice self-deprecation.  Apparently Hall and Waltman will take the match, if they can get contracts for winning.  Bischoff's gonna go along with it, because this will tie back into the last two months worth of storytelling.  Hmm..."I'll be the one that looks like Elvis" "Alive or dead?"  That was cute, and Ia nod to the Kings of Wrestling.  Young gets slapped and unloads on Waltman!!  Bischoff turns Young loose on Waltman!!!

ERIC YOUNG vs SEAN WALTMAN

- Holy God Young is on fire!  Waltman fails to go over the top rope, so Young with a backdrop and he rams Waltman into the mat.  Spinning heel kick by Waltman!  Misses the Bronco Buster!  PILEDRIVER!!!

Winner: Eric Young via pinfall (PILEDRIVER)

- That was pretty sweet.  Young needs to be made to look like a star for this whole thing to be worth it.

- A US Army Humvee.  I guess this has something to do with Angle and Mr. Anderson?

- This will take all I can do not to fast forward.  Army men line up at the entrance for Angle.  I could not care less about this.  I am ready for Angle to retire, and, like, last year.

- I.  Just.  Don't.  Care.  About Angle.  I did it.  I hit fast forward.  I get that he's respecting the soldiers...and that's cool.  BUT SERIOUSLY.  I CAN'T STAND ANGLE.  Apparently Angle is wrestling Anderson at Destination X.

- Anderson is backstage on the monitor, mocking the soldiers are being high school dropouts...but Angle apparently beat feet to the backstage in record time!  THAT was cool.  Anderson nails him with the Warrior Medal.  Angerson is wearing a Captain America shirt.  Soldiers block him from walking away!  Angle yanks him in the ring!  Beats him down!  The soldiers swarm on him!  To the other side!  To another side of the ring!  Angle Slam!  He spits on Anderson and hoists an American flag overhead.  Soldiers hoist him on their shoulders.

- Not bad, for an Angle segment.

- Crap.  Bubba is backstage with Hogan.  Blahblah, Hogan doesn't wanna go out there, blahblah.  Earl Hebner busts in, wanting a second chance.  Apparently Earl Hebner deserves a second chance.  Crap.  More Hogan family drama.  Earl is gonna referee, and he promises he will stop the match if it gets out of control.  Ooookay.

- Generation Me or Motor City Machine Guns will become #1 Contenders to the tag team titles.

- Hall and Waltman face Nash and Young for a contract.

- Mr. Anderson vs Angle.

- AJ Styles defends the title against Abyss.

- Jarrett!  I guess he's taking on Beer Money in a handicap match?  So...Beer Money are heels now?  Storm was acting heelish, and cheapshotted Jarrett...and Roode from behind.  I'm...confused.

- Nice TNA Live.com commercial, with SoCal Val looking hot and wet, and Borash looking like a doof.

- Back from the break, Beer Money are killing Jarrett.  Apparently this is a handicap match with Foley as ref.

Special Referee Mick Foley
JEFF JARRETT vs BEER MONEY

- Jarrett rallies back and gets Storm down, but runs into a spinebuster by Roode!  Double team slingshot DDT.  Apparently they are doing this to get noticed...I thought Hernandez asked for them to have a tag title match?  Eye of the Storm by James Storm, crowd is slowly turning on them.  Storm beer mists Roode on accident! Jarrett ducks a beer bottle annd backdrops Roode!  Sends Storm over the ropes!  Jarrett goes after them...noggin knocker!  Double team gets Jarrett as he tries to get in the ring.  Mick retrieves the barbed wire bat and gives it to Jarrett!  Slick Johnson takes the bat!  Roode low blow!  Spike powerbomb!

Winners: BEER MONEY via pinfall (SPIKE POWERBOMB)

- Well...that felt very random.

- Hogan and Abyss are arguing over who should start the match, and Brooke is here acting very badly.  This is excruciating.

- Where's Jeff Hardy?

- Where are the Tag Team Champions?

- Hogan is "promising" that this is his last match.

- DON'T SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT.

- Flair and AJ feel cocky.

- Appparently the main event is brought to you by Rent-A-Center.

NO DQ
RIC FLAIR & AJ STYLES vs HULK HOGAN & ABYSS

- Final commercial break before it gets started.

- Flair vs Hogan to start.  Hogan's not really selling anything.  Flair and Abyss did this same sequence earlier.  Hogan and Flair slowly fighting on the floor.  Flair is bloody.  Biting Flair.  Flair is CRIMSON.  Hogan selling nothing.  Eye poke.  Abyss goes after Flair!  AJ backs away from Hogan.  Hogan takes the weight lifting belt to Flair!  I liked this earlier when Flair and AJ were in charge.  Low blow on Hogan!  AJ is in!  AJ goes after the leg of Hogan.  AJ jaws at Brooke as he rams Hogan into the post.  Hogan is bloody now.  Flair on the attack as Abyss tries to get in.   He tags AJ back in.  Unloading on Hogan.  Abyss is reaching hard for the tag, Flair and AJ with the double team.  Flair goes up.. this never ends well!  Slam off the top!  Both men reaching for the tag!  Abyss and AJ are in!  Abyss unloads!  Double chokeslam, they block!  He double clotheslines them!  Avalanche on AJ!  On Flair!  Chokeslam on AJ!  Chokeslam on Flair!  He's wearing the ring!  AJ fights back!  Hogan and Flair are going at it on the floor!  Springboard forearm by AJ!  Abyss is trying to Hulk Up!  Double Hulk Up!  Double boot!  Hogan whips AJ into the Black Hole Slam!

Winners: ABYSS & HULK HOGAN via pinfall (BLACKHOLE SLAM on AJ)

- Desmond Wolfe nails Abyss with a chair!  Hogan blocks the chair, Flair with a chop block!  Here comes The Pope!  AJ brings him down!  And HERE is Jeff Hardy.  Yuck.  Falcon Arrow on Wolfe.  Twist of Fate on AJ.  They cut away before the Swanton.

- Um...that was random.  WAY more coherent than the January 4th show, oddly.  Who the Hell am I supposed to be cheering and booing?  Good to see they remembered that they have a PPV coming up.  I will give them credit, the show felt more energetic than Raw did.  And that was the best use of RVD I have ever seen in my life.